Review: Sonata Arctica - Pariah's Child
[Nuclear Blast; 2014]
Rating: 3/10
By Justin Silk, Staff Writer
Key Tracks: "The Wolves Die Young," "What Did You Do in the War, Dad?"
Think of Pariah’s Child as a really big pizza pocket. Not talking about Hot Pockets; the kind of homemade pizza pocket made by your fat-ass stoner best friend who has been unemployed for months and has nothing better to do than drink and lay on the couch all day.
When your BFF presents you with this sort of pizza pocket, it is enormous and it looks pretty good, so you take a huge bite. Globs of cheese then enter your mouth and instantly you begin to choke. As you start to suffocate the only thought running through your head is, “Where’s the sauce? Where is the goddamn sauce?!”
Your best friend moves to give you the Heimlich maneuver, but just before he does, you manage to get it all down. But you instantly feel queasy. And then you vomit all over the floor.
Pariah’s Child is the overstuffed pizza pocket that will ruin nice carpeting. It’s the kind of power metal album that is just too over-the-top and ridiculous for anyone to enjoy. Each song will choke its listeners with its musical cheesiness and make them feel unbearably nauseous until they are forced to turn the album off.
The album cover for Sonata Arctica’s eighth album should be an indicator of what is to come. A wolf standing in an icy wonderland is an instant power metal cliché. It’s "epic," which really makes it super lame. Yet it is slightly intriguing, and will suck in unknowledgeable listeners who are just looking for a good time.
There are only two good songs on Pariah’s Child: “The Wolves Die Young” and “What Did You Do in the War, Dad?” The former is what power metal should sound like. There is some sweet guitar shredding, a glittery keyboard background and an awesome, soaring vocal melody, which is catchy and over the top, but not too ridiculous. The song will give listeners high expectations for the rest of the album that will not be met.
“What Did You Do in the War, Dad?” is the only other glittering gem on Pariah’s Child. Even though it’s not very musically compelling, its emotion and lyrical subject matter will captivate listeners. The song is not inherently catchy, but people will want to sing along anyways. It will stand out as one of Pariah’s Child’s only triumphs, despite being buried in the middle of the record.
The rest of album's songs range from bad to disgustingly icky. Songs like “Half a Marathon Man” and “Larger Than Life” aren’t good, but are tolerable to listen to. Meanwhile, “Take One Breath,” “X Marks the Spot” and “Love” will cause the aforementioned nausea and vomiting.
The worst song, “Cloud Factory,” is the product of bubblegum pop combined with heavy metal. It sounds like a song that your five-year-old child would ask you to repeat again and again on long car rides until finally you just can’t take it anymore and make the brash decision to cross the double yellow line, resulting in a crash with an oncoming semi truck that kills both you and little Timmy.
At the end of the day, Pariah’s Child is two good songs that will not make the album worth a listen. Sonata Arctica’s eighth record is a cheesy abomination that shames the entire power metal genre. Sonata Arctica is generally a good band, but this album should not be listened to by anyone who wants to keep their lunch down.
